英语小笑话

teacher
asked
:
Why
are
you
late
for
school?
Johnny:
Because
of
the
Sign.
Teacher
:
What
Sign?
Johnny
:
The
sign
that
says
"School
ahead
go
slow"
老师：你为什么迟到了
约翰：因为那个标质
老师：什么标志
约翰：前方学校请慢行
Ok
Theres
A
Foreign
Guy
Who
Gets
A
Job
At
A
Store.
He
Doesnt
Know
Any
English.
So
Finally
The
Boss
Lady
Finally
Gets
It
Across
To
Him
To
Learn
Some
English
Words
And
Then
He
Will
Be
Hired.
So
He
Goes
To
Nasa
Cuz
Its
High
Tech
And
Tries
To
Learn
Some
Words.
All
The
Words
Are
Too
Complicated
But
The
Words
"take
Off"
So
He
Learns
That
But
Doesnt
Know
What
It
Means.
Then
He
Goes
To
The
Zoo
And
Tries
To
Learn
All
The
Animals
Names.
The
Only
One
That
Sounds
Even
Close
To
Similar
To
His
Hometowns
Word
Is
That
Of
A
Stripped
Horse
Called
The
Zebra
So
He
Learns
That
Word.
Last,
He
Goes
To
A
Nursery
And
Looks
For
Some
Easier
Words
To
Find.
But
They
Are
Still
To
Hard
Until
He
Hears
A
Baby
Crying
And
Learns
The
Word
Baby
From
A
Caretaker
There.
So
Finally,
He
Goes
Back
To
The
Store
And
Says
These
Words
To
The
Boss
Lady:"take
Off
...zebra...
Baby"
一次暑假，地理老师要求学生去三个地方旅游，并把最有趣的三件事物写下来。
一小孩先去了飞机场，他觉得起飞（takeoff）很有趣，就写了下来
然后他去了动物园，看到了很多新的动物，他觉得斑马（zebra）很有趣，也写了下来
这时，斑马踹了他一脚····
小孩在医院昏迷了整整1个月，暑假快结束了，可作业还没做完，于是他就问护士：“这儿有什么好玩的吗？”
护士是照顾小孩的，觉得幼儿很有趣，就说：“刚生出来的新生儿（baby）很可爱。”
小孩写了下来。
暑假结束了，老师去检查作业，轮到小孩时，她问：“你找到了什么有趣的事物”
然后···
小孩回答···
“takeoff
zebra
baby```”(take
off
the
bra,baby``````)
后狗可想而知·······
翻译是我改编的

JOKE
1
Wife
talking
to
her
husband
(who
reads
newspaper
all
day):
I
wish
I
were
a
newspaper
so
I'll
be
in
your
hands
all
day.
Husband:
I
wish
that
too,
so
I
could
change
you
daily
JOKE
2
A
little
boy
asked
his
father:
Daddy,
how
much
does
it
cost
to
get
married?
The
father
replied:
I
don
't
know
son.
I
'm
still
paying!!
JOKE
3
At
midnight
father
saw
that
his
married
son
leaving
home...
He
asks
him:
what
are
you
doing?
The
son
replied:
Dad
I
am
fed
up
with
my
life!
My
newly
marriage
is
not
going
well,
my
wife
and
my
mom
keep
fighting
with
each
other!
I
have
to
pay
bills
for
my
in-laws,
and
I
hate
this
life!!!
I
want
to
go
far
from
here,
I
want
to
taste
every
joy
of
life,
and
I
want
to
have
every
fun
of
life!!!
Father
said:
Wait!!!!!!!!
I
am
coming
with
you
JOKE
4
A
woman
goes
to
England
to
attend
a
2-week
company
training
session.
Her
husband
drives
her
to
the
airport
and
wishes
her
to
have
a
good
trip.
The
wife
answered:
Thank
you
honey,
what
would
you
like
me
to
bring
for
you?
The
husband
laughed
and
said:
An
English
girl!!!
The
woman
kept
quiet
and
left.
Two
weeks
later
he
picked
her
up
in
the
airport
and
asked:
So
honey,
how
was
the
trip?
The
wife:
Very
good,
thank
you.
The
husband:
And,
what
happened
to
my
present?
The
wife:
Which
present?
The
husband:
What
I
asked
for:
the
English
girl?
The
wife:
Oh,
that!
Well,
I
did
what
I
could;
now
we
have
to
wait
a
few
months
to
see
if
it’s
a
girl!!!
JOKE
5
A
couple
goes
to
an
art
gallery.
They
find
a
picture
of
a
naked
woman
with
only
her
privates
covered
with
leaves.
The
wife
doesn
't
like
it
and
moves
on,
but
the
husband
keeps
looking.
The
wife
asks,
"What
are
you
waiting
for?
"
The
husband
replies,
"autumn.
"
JOKE
6
A
man
is
sitting
reading
his
newspaper
when
the
wife
sneaks
up
behind
him
and
whacks(打)
him
on
the
head
with
a
frying
pan.
"What
the
hell
was
that
for?
"
he
asks.
"That
was
for
the
piece
of
paper
in
your
trouser
pockets
with
the
name
Mary
Ellen
written
on
it,
"
she
replies.
Don
't
be
silly,
"
he
says.
"Two
weeks
ago
when
I
went
to
the
races(赛马),
Mary
Ellen
was
the
name
of
one
of
the
horses
I
bet
on.
"
She
seems
satisfied
at
this,
and
she
apologizes.
Three
days
later
he
's
again
sitting
in
his
chair
reading
when
she
nails(打，俚语)
him
with
an
even
bigger
frying
pan,
knocking
him
out
cold.
When
he
comes
around,
he
asks
again,
"What
the
hell
was
that
for?
"
"Your
fucking
horse
just
phoned.
"
JOKE
7
Wife
to
husband:
you
were
so
drunk
last
night
that
you
insulted
your
boss.
Husband:
piss
on
him!
Wife:
you
did
and
he
fired
you!
Husband:
fuck
him!
Wife:
I
did
and
you
can
go
back
to
work
tomorrow.
JOKE
8
A
couple
drove
several
miles
down
a
country
road
with
intense
silence.
Not
a
word
was
said
to
each
other.
An
earlier
discussion
had
led
to
an
argument
and
neither
wanted
to
concede
his
position.
As
they
passed
a
barnyard
of
mules(骡子)
and
pigs,
the
wife
sarcastically
asked,
"Relatives
of
yours?
"
"Yep,
"
the
husband
replied,
"in-laws
".

甲的英语说得很好，老是嘲笑乙，因为乙的英语很差。

乙很不服气，一次，甲问乙，“‘ How are you ’是什么意思？"

答：“怎么是你？"

甲叹了口气，“‘ How old are you ’又是什么意思？"

答曰："怎么老是你？"

The
preacher
was
vexed
because
a
certain
member
of
his
congregation
always
fell
asleep
during
the
sermon.‎
‎
As
the
man
was
snoring
in
the
front
row
one
Sunday,
the
preacher
determined
he
would
teach
him
not
to
‎sleep
during
the
sermon.
So,
in
a
whisper,
he
asked
the
congreg
ation.
"All
who
want
to
go
to
heaven，please
rise."
Everyone
got
up
except
the
snorer.
After
whispering
"Be
‎seated",
the
minister
shouted
at
the
top
of
his
voiced,
"All
those
who
want
to
be
with
the
devil,
please
rise."‎
‎
Awaking
with
a
start,
the
sleepy-head
jumped
to
his
feet
and
saw
the
preacher
standing
tall
and
angry
in
‎the
pulpit,
"Well,
sir,"
he
said,
"I
don't
know
what
we're
voting
on,
but
it
looks
like
you
and
me
are
the
only
‎ones
for
it."‎
==============================================
瞌睡者
‎
牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时打瞌睡。一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好教育他一下，让他不要再在布道时睡觉。于是他低声对信徒们说：“想去天堂的人，都请站起来吧。”所有的人都站了起来——当然，除了那个打瞌睡的人。在低声说过请坐后，牧师高声喊道：“想去下地狱的人请站起来！”打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声惊醒了，他站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气的看着他。‎这个人说道：“噢，先生，我不知道我们在选什么，但看上去只有你和我是候选人。

But
the
teacher
cried
The
six-year-old
John
was
terribly
spoiled
.
His
father
knew
it,
but
his
grandma
doted
on
him.
He
hardly
left
her
side.
And
when
he
wanted
anything,
he
either
cried
or
threw
a
temper
tantrum.
Then
came
his
first
day
of
school,
his
first
day
away
from
his
grandmother's
loving
arms.
When
he
came
home
from
school
his
grandma
met
him
at
the
door.
"Was
school
all
right?"
she
asked,
"Did
you
get
along
all
right?
did
you
cry?"
"Cry?"
John
asked.
"No,
I
didn't
cry,
but
the
teacher
did!"
可是老师哭了
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。
约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？”
“哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”
l零碎的空间伱可以画一些图画或是一些花边