谁可以帮我修改一下英语作文

Recently a Beijing information company did a survey of student life among more than 700 students in Beijing , Guangzhou, Xi’an, Chengdu, shanghai, Wuhan, Nanjing, and Shengyang. The results have shown that 67percent of students think that saving money is a good habit while the rest believe that using tomorrow’s money today is better. What do you think?
Write on ANSWER SHEET TWO a composition of about 200 words.
You are to write in three parts.
In the first parts, state specifically what your opinion is
In the second part, support your opinion with appropriate details.
In the last part, bring what you have written to a natural conclusion or a summary.
You should supply an appropriate title for your composition
Marks will be awarded for content, organization, grammar. And appropriateness

Saving money or spending tomorrow’s money
A recent survey in several cities showed a great number of students prefer to save money while some individuals tend to use tomorrow’s money, I’m with the opinion that we should save money, there are two justifications listed to support my argument.

In the first place , we students can’t afford to live totally by ourselves, we ask our parents for money. Once we run out of our money, we must ask our parents for help, thus saving money is necessary. Furthermore, saving money is commonly regarded as a good habit, which enables us to do whatever we want to do at any time, not borrowing money from others.
With the two advantages of saving money, you may agree to my standpoint that saving money is the best choice

A recent survey were done in several cities. It showed that a great number of students prefer to save money while some individuals tend to use tomorrow’s money, I’m with the opinion that we should save money. There are two justifications listed to support my argument.

In the first place , students can’t afford to live totally by themselves, they ask their parents for money. Once they run out of their money, they have to ask their parents for help. Therefore, saving money is necessary. Furthermore, saving money is commonly regarded as a good habit, which enables people to do whatever we want to do at any time, not borrowing money from others.
With the two advantages of saving money, you may agree to my standpoint that saving money is the best choice
人称要一制，主语唯一，we 和students出现两个主语，你想表达的是我们学生，但是这个在英语上是说不通的：we students can’t afford to live totally by ourselves。所以删除we 这个句子就成了：students can’t afford to live totally by ourselves，这时students 是属于第三人称, 而ourselves是第一人称，所以要改，在写支持的观点的时候，j尽量避免出现 you, your, we, our, 第一人称和第二人称。最好用第三人称或被动语态来表的它的客观性，若用第一人称或第二人称，这会显得过于主观

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